On parenting and researching

WARNING: In this post, I’m going to focus on the difficult parts of parenting. I won’t dwell on the (many!) positive aspects, because I’m assuming that if you want to be a parent you already value those. Also, there’s a lot of bullshit around parenthood, with society painting a rosy picture and expecting parents to be superhuman. So you get a lot of information about the beautiful aspects of parenting, and instead not much about how hard it is, or about how to cope with the difficulties. With that out of the way, let’s get the conversation started!

I really enjoy research. But I also want to have children, and I fear that the two may be incompatible.

I always say that being a researcher is the best job in the world, because you get paid to learn. But I also always say that the job comes with a lot of taxes, which are paid with personal life. Not necessarily the optimal conditions for parenting, huh?

Yet there are people who have children and are researchers. So it must be possible. How?

Well, in my view, it’s the result of a willful suspension of straight thinking. To have children as working parents, one must undergo a period of craziness. It’s never a good time to have them —not in ours, not in other professions. So you need to close your eyes and listen to your heart and simply go ahead with it. And once the baby is there, well, you find a way, because you have to.

Erm, sorry, but that doesn’t sound too good.

I know. But, hey, I got two children this way. :) And I find them awesome and I’m still a researcher.

And how did you cope, especially when they were little?

The truth? Barely.

Hey, will you stop that?

Sorry! Ok, let me summarize what I learned, see if it’s useful for you:

But that’s expensive!

Indeed. But think of it as an investment. If you can delegate practical matters and focus on parenting and work, you’ll maximize the chances of getting to the next step in your academic career, which will bring more income and more job security. Crucially, you’ll also alleviate the inevitable tension at home, both with your children and with your partner (if you have one): Kids really strain relationships,* and a good part of that comes from the increased workload at home.

* Please DON’T do that stupidest thing of all, having kids to save a relationship…

A friend of mine is a good example of this investment view. She ran out of funding for her PhD before finishing it, and she got a part-time research job so she could keep working on it. Shortly after, however, she had a child, and she soon realized that a PhD, a job, and a baby was more than she could handle. She reviewed her priorities and chose the PhD and the baby —and quit her job. That meant that she had to rely on her partner for economic support while she worked on her PhD, something neither she nor her partner liked. But she actually finished it in less than a year and immediatly found a much better-paid job as a post-doc. Which came in handy when, a few years later, it was her turn to support her partner economically!

Thank you. Still one last question, if I may: Has it been worth it for you to have children, despite the difficulties?

Yes, it has. :)

 

PS! Let me add some advice specifically for:

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[Disclaimer: This post expresses my opinion, based on years of experience, therapy, readings, and podcasts. Use at your own discretion. Written in the summer of 2024, CC BY-NC.]